What you can eat on the ASSFACE Diet
Let’s keep it simple. The ASSFACE Diet isn’t about starving, obsessing, or counting every crumb. It’s about eating real food that actually fuels your body without making you feel like garbage afterward. Here’s what’s on the menu when you’re eating the ASSFACE way:
What you can eat on ASSFACE
Whole, Real Foods Are In...
Protein (Animal or Plant-Based)
You need it. And you can eat it guilt-free.
Examples:
• Chicken, turkey, beef, bison, pork
• Fish and seafood
• Eggs
• Tofu, tempeh
• Legumes (beans, lentils, peas—yes, they’re allowed)
Fruits & Veggies
They’ve got carbs, sure. But they’re also packed with fiber, nutrients, and antioxidants.
Go crazy with:
• Leafy greens, broccoli, peppers, carrots, cauliflower
• Berries, apples, bananas, oranges, grapes
• Fresh, frozen, or canned (as long as there’s no added sugar)
Dairy (Yep, We’re Not Paleo Purists)
If you can tolerate it, dairy is in. It’s a great source of protein, calcium, and satisfaction.
Options include:
• Plain Greek yogurt
• Cheese (natural cheeses, not “cheese product”)
• Milk (preferably full-fat or unsweetened alternatives)
• Cottage cheese
Whole Grains (in moderation)
We’re not here to demonize carbs. But refined, enriched, ultra-processed crap? That’s a no.
Allowed occasionally:
• Brown rice
• Quinoa
• Oats (unsweetened)
• Ultra whole grain breads (with no added sugar, and real ingredients)
Healthy Fats
Your brain, hormones, and taste buds need fat. Just make sure it’s the good kind.
Examples:
• Avocados
• Nuts and seeds (raw or roasted, unsweetened)
• Olive oil, avocado oil, coconut oil
• Natural nut butters (just nuts and salt, please)
Condiments & Flavors
Spice it up—but skip the sugar bombs.
You can use:
• Mustard, salsa, hot sauce
• Herbs, spices, garlic, onion
• Vinegars, olive oil, lemon juice
• Low-sugar or sugar-free dressings *artificial sweetener allowed in moderation (read the label!)
Drinks
Keep it real and hydrating.
Drink up:
• Water (still or sparkling)
• Coffee or tea (unsweetened, but remember dairy is A-OK! as long as it's not sweetened)
• Occasional wine or spirits (if you’re drinking, keep mixers sugar-free)
What You Should Not Eat on ASSFACE (Just so we're clear)...
• Added sugar in any form (syrup, cane sugar, brown sugar, etc.)
• White bread, white rice, and refined grains
• Sugary cereals, candy/granola bars, and processed snacks
• Soda, sweetened drinks or alcoholic beverages that contain added sugar, or juice cocktails
• Chips, French fries, cookies and bakery goods like cakes, and “junk food carbs”
Final Word:
This diet works because it makes sense. You’re not punishing yourself—you’re fueling yourself. You’ll feel better, look better, and maybe even inspire a few other jackasses along the way.
ASSFACE isn’t about perfection.
It’s about eating like you mean it—and knowing your ass will thank you.