The Ultimate Guide to the ASSFACE Diet®

Stop Eating Like Crap Without Overthinking

INTRO: WHY WE NEED A NEW WAY TO EAT

Let’s be real: most diets suck.

They’re either impossible to follow, shame you for being human, or come with enough rules to make your head spin. For years, we’ve been told that health means deprivation, restriction, and punishment — it’s no wonder so many of us burn out, bounce back, or blame ourselves when the latest “miracle plan” doesn’t work.

That’s where the ASSFACE Diet® comes in.

Yes, the name is bold. It’s meant to be. We’re flipping diet culture on its head — and laughing a little along the way — because eating healthy doesn’t have to be serious, joyless, or sterile. It can be practical, empowering, and even… a little bit fun too.

ASSFACE = Added. Sugar. Sucks. Fruits and veggies. Also contain. Carbs. Eat those.

This guide breaks down exactly what the ASSFACE Diet is, how it works, who it’s for, and why it’s different from every diet you’ve ever tried.

PART 1: WHAT IS THE ASSFACE DIET?

The Core Philosophy...

The ASSFACE Diet is a whole-food-based nutrition framework that eliminates added sugar, emphasizes nutrient-dense eating, and rejects perfectionism.

It’s built on real health, not idealized eating.

You won’t need a calculator, a food scale, or an app to follow it. You just need to understand the simple rules and use them to guide your daily choices.

The Acronym Explained...

ASSFACE stands for:

• Added

• Sugar

• Sucks.

• Fruits and veggies

• Also contain

• Carbs

• Eat those

Here’s what that means in plain language:

• Added sugar = no. It’s inflammatory, addictive, and it sabotages your energy, weight, and mental clarity.

• Carbs from fruit and vegetables = yes. They’re full of fiber, nutrients, and water — and your body knows how to properly digest and manage them.

We don’t punish carbs. We just eliminate the crap.

PART 2: GUIDE TO THE ASSFACE DIET: WHAT YOU CAN EAT

This isn’t a starvation plan. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. Many users report ASSFACE Diet meals are deliciously satisfying. Here’s what an ASSFACE plate looks like:

Proteins (Anchor your meals)

• Chicken, turkey, beef, pork

• Fish and seafood

• Eggs

• Plant-based: beans, lentils, tofu

• Dairy-based (if tolerated): Greek yogurt, cottage cheese

Veggies (Eat them all)

• Leafy greens, cruciferous veggies, root veggies — go wild.

• Cooked, raw, roasted, grilled, fresh, canned, or frozen — however you love them.

Fruits (Yes, even bananas)

• All fresh or frozen fruit is fair game.

• The key is whole fruit — not juice, dried, or candied versions.

Fats (Healthy and satisfying)

• Olive oil, avocado, nuts, seeds, full-fat dairy

• Nut butters (with no added sugar)

Legumes & Whole Plant-Based Carbs

• Black beans, lentils, chickpeas

• Optional: small amounts of brown rice, quinoa, or ultra-whole grain bread

Dairy (Optional, but allowed)

• No need to cut it unless you have a reason.

• Just avoid added sugar versions (flavored yogurts, sweetened creamers, etc.)

Artificial Sweeteners (In moderation)

• Stevia, monk fruit, erythritol = allowed

• Zero-calorie sodas or sugar-free treats = okay, if they don’t derail you

PART 3: WHAT YOU’LL AVOID

We don’t count calories, but we do eliminate:

Added Sugars

This includes:

• Sodas, sweetened drinks, candy

• Flavored yogurts, sweetened nut butters

• Sneaky ingredients like “cane juice,” “malt syrup,” “glucose solids”

ASSFACE doesn’t count natural sugar from fruit or dairy — but it cuts the processed junk.

White Flour & Processed Carbs

We skip:

• White bread, pastries, crackers

• Pasta made with white flour

• Enriched or fortified flours with no fiber

We do allow small amounts of ultra-whole grain options if desired.

Heavily Processed Packaged Foods

We avoid:

• Fast food

• Frozen “diet meals”

• Snack bars with weird ingredients

• Anything where you can’t pronounce half the label

PART 4: HOW IT COMPARES TO OTHER DIETS

This table compares the basics of the ASSFACE Diet to other diets like Paleo, Keto, and Whole30.

Diet	Cuts Added Sugar?	Allows Fruits?	Allows Dairy?	Allows Legumes?
Keto	Yes	Some, but limited	Sometimes	No
Paleo	Yes	Yes	No	No
Whole30	Yes	Yes	No	No
ASSFACE Diet	Yes	Yes	Yes	Yes

PART 5: FLEXIBILITY WITHOUT FAILURE

Here’s what makes the ASSFACE Diet stand out:

• You don’t restart if you mess up. You just keep going.

• You don’t get judged for having a square of chocolate. That’s normal.

• You don’t need a “cheat day” — because this isn’t a punishment.

This isn’t about discipline. It’s about sustainability.

PART 6: WHY ADDED SUGAR SUCKS (THE SCIENCE)

In case you’re wondering if we’re being dramatic…

Research shows:

• Added sugar contributes to obesity, diabetes, heart disease, and mental health issues.

• It spikes insulin, causes crashes, and disrupts hormones.

• It triggers cravings, especially when combined with processed fats.

• It hijacks your taste buds, making real food taste bland.

The average American eats 17 teaspoons per day.

ASSFACE says: “Let’s cut the poison — not the sweet potatoes.”

PART 7: WHO IS THE ASSFACE DIET FOR?

This diet is for people who are:

✅ Done with fad diets

✅ Tired of guilt and rebound weight

✅ Busy, but serious about health

✅ Looking for long-term, flexible structure

✅ Wanting to feel in control — not obsessed

PART 8: REAL RESULTS, REAL PEOPLE

My Story:

I was 260 pounds at my heaviest.

I’m a mom of two, wife of a Purple Heart veteran, and a former national journalist.

I tried everything — and got nowhere.

I finally stopped chasing perfection and focused on real, simple changes and I saw results..

That’s how I lost 115 pounds and built the ASSFACE Diet.

Client Wins:

• A mom of three lost 45 pounds.

• A vet cut his blood sugar meds by half.

• A college student reversed chronic bloating and improved her skin.

• I have worked with 104 people on this diet, and 96 of them are still on the plan to this day. Of the 104 people who have tried the ASSFACE Diet (as of the time of this writing), 94 reported weight loss of more than 5 pounds and 39 reported weight loss of more than 25 pounds.

PART 9: HOW TO GET STARTED

Step 1: Clean out added sugar

Check labels. Toss the junk. Reset your taste buds.

Step 2: Build meals from real food

Protein + veggies + fat + fruit or beans = a balanced ASSFACE meal.

Step 3: Don’t aim for perfection. Aim for consistency.

PART 10: TOOLS & RESOURCES

✅ Read the ASSFACE Diet Blog

✅ Read the ebooks

✅ Join the private community

✅ Follow AJ the Donkey on YouTube & Instagram

PART 11: MEET AJ — YOUR NEW DIET COACH

AJ (short for ASSFACE Jack) is our ripped, snarky, cartoon donkey.

He’s your guide, hype man, and accountability buddy.

Why a donkey?

Because people think being healthy means being perfect. AJ proves you can be smart, strong, and a little sassy — and still eat like a legend.

PART 12: KEY TAKEAWAYS

• ASSFACE = no added sugar, yes real food.

• You can eat fruit, beans, dairy, and even chocolate.

• You don’t need to be perfect — you need to be consistent.

• This isn’t a 30-day reset. It’s a way to eat forever.

Ready to Stop Eating Like Crap Without Overthinking It?

You don’t need a new diet.

You need a framework that makes sense.

One that works in real life. One that gives you tools — not shame.

That’s what the ASSFACE Diet is.